Monday

AM

10:00 AirDyne @ Z1

PM

A) Safety bar squat

take you time and build to a true max - get spotters!

B) Pendlay row

build to a heavy but perfect set of 10, 2111

C) 3 rounds for time

.6 mile Assault Bike
:60 Sorensen hold

A. 268 (+5)

B. 93, last couple were tough but still perfect

C. 9:00, biked @ 61-64 RPMs; only first Sorenson hold unbroken

Monday

AM

35:00 AirDyne @ Z1

PM

A) Safety bar squat

3-3-3 building so only last triple is tough - maxing out next week..., 20X1; 3:00 rest

B) Unsupported 1-arm DB row

4 x 5-6/side, 20X0; :60 bewteen sides

C) 3 rounds @ high effort

21 Assault Bike calories
18 alternating pistols
15 glute-ham sit-ups

D) 3 rounds

:30 Sorensen hold
:15 rest
:30 front leaning rest on ground
:15 rest

A. 203, 223, 243

B. 50, 55, 60, 65(6) - right is stronger than left...?

C. 11:58

D. complete

Monday

A) Safety bar squat

5-5-5, 20X1; 3:00 rest

B) Unsupported 1-arm DB row

4 x 6-8 20X0; :60 bewteen sides

C) 10:00 steady - same idea as last week, focus is on quality movement/positions over reps

30 double-unders
10 glute-ham sit-ups
10 alternating pistols

D) 3 sets not for time

:30 Sorensen hold
:30 front leaning rest on ground

A. 203, 223, 233(4) - not confident on the last rep without a spot

B. 45, 50(6), 50(6), 50(6) - strangely more challenging on the left side

C. complete

D. complete

+

3 sets:

5 banded pull-ups, green band

5 dip progressions

+

5 strict pull-up singles, with s-l-o-w eccentric 

Monday

AM

20:00 AirDyne

+

ROM/mobility

PM

A) Safety bar squat

3-2-1-1-1, 41X1; 3:00 rest

B) Unsupported 1-arm DB row

3 x 8-10, 20X0; :60 bewteen sides

C) 10:00 steady, focus is on quality movement/positions over reps

10 alternating pistols
15 double-unders
:20 front leaning rest on ground

D) 3 sets not for time

30 band good mornings
15 glute-ham sit-ups

A. 203(3), 223(2), 233, 238, 238
B. 30, 35, 40(10)
C. complete
D. complete with green band

So happy to feel like I'm training regularly again! The 10:00 piece was super fun. No issues with double-unders or planks, and pistols are smoother than they've ever been. 

Monday

AM
20:00 AirDyne
+
ROM/mobility

PM
A)
Safety bar squat
3-3-3-3-3, 41X1; 3:00 rest
 173, 183, 193, 203, 213

B)
Every :60 for 20:00 (5 sets of each
1st: 6-8 L shrimp squats
2nd: 6-8 R shrimp squats
3rd: 4-6 L unsupported bent-over DB rows, 21X1
4th: 4-6 R unsupported bent-over DB rows, 21X1

 8 across
30, 35, 40(6)x3

C)
3 sets not for time
25 band good mornings
15 glute-ham sit-ups

Complete with green band

Monday

AM

20 mile bike ride with Kellie, from Milford to Loveland and back (~2 hours)

PM
A) Safety bar squat

5-5-5-5, 41X1; 3:00 rest
B) For 10:00
Evens: 10 alternating shrimp squats
Odds: 5 light unsupported bent-over DB rows, 21X1
C) 3 sets not for time
20 band good mornings
15 glute-ham sit-ups

A. 133, 153, 173, 183

B. Complete with 20/hand

C. Complete with green band 

Started out way light on the squats, but the last two sets were very tough. 

Shrimp squats got better and better as I went. Zero issues on the dumbbell rows, these felt great! 

Monday

AM

5:00 AirDyne 

+

Mobility/ROM

PM

A) Safety bar squat

take your time & build to a very heavy single - get a spot, let's see what's there today

B) For 10:00

Evens: 5 L shrimp squats (demo in comments)
Odds: 5 R shrimp squats

C) For 10:00

Evens: 15 band good mornings
Odds: 10 glute-ham sit-ups

A. 263

+

Complete

+

Complete with green band

Day 1 of the new program, and I couldn't be more ready. Still don't know what kind of goals I might have long term, but I'm happy to trust Stephen and just go along for the ride for now. Worrying about what I may or may not be able to do a year from now doesn't do anyone any good, and doesn't change what I can do right now. 

I was hesitant to test a heavy squat, since I knew it would be far off from what I used to be able to do. Didn't count while I was building, but made 20lb jumps until the last rep (10lb jump once it slowed down a bit). Surprised with what I hit... I've never tested a heavy single safety bar squat, I haven't done a heavy single of any kind of squat in probably close to a year (or longer?), I haven't done anything heavy in 4 months, and 3 of those months were completely unweighted. I guess this is as good of a jumping off point as I could ask for. 

Shrimp squats started off hella awkward, but were pretty easy once I got the hang of them. 

Hooray for programming! Onward! 

Monday

AM
15:00 AirDyne @ 44-45 RPMs, with arms
+
mobility

PM
A. Safety bar squat, 3 x 6

(130, 150, 170, no gear)

+

5 rounds for time @80%:

500m row (2:12-2:15)

10 alternating pistols 

0:30 hollow rock
(21:04)


Today is exactly 7 months since I injured my shoulder, and today was the first day in 7 months that I did not take ibuprofen or tylenol. Pain is almost entirely gone. I feel a significant amount of discomfort and tightness, but it's totally different than "pain," and I know that as we stretch things back out, that too will dissipate.  

Everything is getting better. 

Wednesday

A. 1/side forward lunge + 2 squats, build to a heavy double of the complex
B1. Jumping switch lunge, 3 x 20 total; :10 rest
B2. Glute-ham sit-ups, 3 x 15; :10 rest
B3. Russian twists, 3 x 20; 2:00 rest
+
20:00 Assault Bike @ Z1

A. +130

B. complete 

+

complete 

Monday

A. Safety bar squat, 3-3-3+ @ 200-210-225; 3:00 rest
B. L-arm KB/DB shrug, 3 x 5-6, 20X2; :90 rest
C1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 9-12 unweighted; :10 rest
C2. Hip extensions, 3 x 20; 2:00 rest
+
AMRAP in 3:00:
Assault Bike calories

A. 4 @ 225

B. 70, 88, 100(5)

C1. 12 across 

C2. complete 

+

47

Disappointed with how heavy the squats felt - pretty sure I would have failed a 5th rep today, and 5 at 225 was solid 2 months ago. Chalking this up to nutrition (or lack thereof). It doesn't even matter I guess, since we are going to have to start this all over in a month or two. 

Went out way hot on the bike (70+ RPMs) and almost quit :90 in. Dropped down to 60 RPMs for a minute, then picked it back up to 70 in the final :30. It's been a long time since I did something that hurt that much. Actually, it's been exactly 14 weeks since I did 10:00 for calories, so that's exactly how long it's been since a good Fran cough. 

Goddamn, this blows. 

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit

44:00 Assault bike

+

passive ROM, emphasis on internal rotation

+

trigger point work with a ball

+

isometric lower trap holds

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-5-5+ @ 185-200-210; 3:00 rest
B. L-arm KB/DB shrug, 3 x 6-8, 20X2; :90 rest
C1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 10 unweighted; :10 rest
C2. Hip extensions, 3 x 15 unweighted; :10 rest
C3. Sorensen hold, 3 x :30; 2:00 rest
+
3 sets:
:45 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort that's sustainable within & across all 3 sets, reign it in a bit from last week
5:15 Assault Bike spin

A. 6 @ 210

B. 35, 53, 70(6)

C. complete 

+

complete, 74 RPMs across


Squats felt fucking heavy. This annoys me.

Shrugs were weird. 

GHD stuff was fine; Sorensen holds got tough, but no issues.

Felt pukey and lightheaded after the 3rd bike sprint, but didn't drop off at all, so mission accomplished.

Shoulder feels pretty terrible again. I noticed it a little bit yesterday, but I tried to ignore it.  Slept like shit last night and woke up every hour when I rolled over, and sure, enough, this morning the effect of the cortisone was almost completely worn off. It's not quite as bad as it was before the cortisone, but I'm getting the broken glass feeling in the anterior capsule with any external rotation, and the muscles are still completely seized up (teres minor is the worst, but it's pretty much everything), which is just uncomfortable but not painful. Drew thought maybe the microtrauma of dry needling was a factor, so we skipped it today, but it really feels like it needs it. Skyped with Mike today and he suggested that the muscles are having to work overtime to stabilize an unstable joint, which makes sense. It definitely feels like they're guarding the shoulder.

On the plus side, internal rotation is really coming along. I may be able to fasten a normal bra behind my back at some point soon. 

Drew, Mike and Stephen all suggested that I text Tim. FML. I just don't know what he'd say that he didn't say last week. Mike said that the cortisone is also diagnostic information for him, though, and he needs to know that it's not working as intended. I'll hold off until I see how much worse it gets over the next few days...

Friday

AM @ MobilityFit
22:00 Assault bike
+
dry needling (less death)
+
2 sets:
crossover symmetry, rows, As, subscap, pec minor 
banded tricep pull-downs
isometric lower trap hold
isometric subscap hold

PM
A. Safety bar squat, 10 x 3 @ 70 bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
B1. Seated L-arm DB shoulder press, 3 x 6-8, 21X1; :60 rest
B2. Bent-over L-arm DB row, 3 x 6-8, 20X1; :60 rest
+
For time @ 90% effort:
50 air squats
50 arm-less Assault Bike calories
50 air squats
+
3 sets:
20/side light lying 1-leg banded curls
20/side light seated banded leg extensions
:30 hollow rock

A. complete 

B1. 25, 30(7), 30(6)

B2. 25, 30, 40

+

7:02

+

complete with purple band

Tested out some stuff very, very gingerly at MobilityFit. The broken glass pain is gone, but the anterior capsule still feels "off" and all the muscles are angry.  Drew dry needled literally everything, a couple of rough spots but overall much, much better than Wednesday. The plan for the time being is to keep scaps activated and engaged, strengthen internal rotators to improve stability, and not piss off the joint. Everything else is on hold for the time being. 

Shoulder actually complained a LOT on the squats. I almost called it two sets in, but then kept talking myself into "just one more minute." It's been a couple of hours and it calmed down, so that's encouraging. Weight felt fucking heavy after the week off. To be honest, that's why I didn't quit - I can't lose the squatting progress on top of everything else. 

Felt super weird to only do the dumbbell stuff on one side.

Hit pretty much exactly where I thought I would on the for time piece. First 50 squats were super fast with no pauses. Biked at ~58 RPMs, a little over 10 cal/minute. I didn't realize how helpful arms were on the bike. Second round of squats was so hard, my quads were completely toasted. Paused a few times but still pretty fast. Yuck. 

The banded stuff really sucked today. Maybe purple isn't "light," or maybe it was the squat/bike thing. Either way, tough. 

Trying to get my head right for a long road ahead with the shoulder. I just thought the hard part would have been over by now. Drew admitted that the next few months are going to be long, slow, and frustrating, and even after months of therapy I may still have problems with it. It's hard to accept. 

Friday

AM @ MobilityFit
15:00 Assault bike
+
passive ROM
lower trap isometric holds

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 8 x 3 @ 70 bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
For time:
1 mile Assault Bike
200m 1-arm Farmer's walk, moderate/tough
1 mile Assault Bike
100m walking lunges
+
3 sets:
15/side light lying 1-leg banded curls
15/side light seated banded leg extensions
:30 hollow rock

A. complete

+

12:06 with 53lb 

+

complete with purple band


Drew was visibly relieved to hear that there is no tear and the anchors are solid. He thinks that the volume of rehab I was doing early on just surpassed my threshold and set off this cycle of inflammation. He said it was really deceiving because I had great ROM from day 1, and since there was no tendon involvement, I had maintained strength from day 1, so without acute structural limitations we just exceeded the tolerance of the joint.

The plan moving forward is to back off for several weeks and let the cortisone work its magic. I'm back to post-op week 1 protocol, completely starting from zero. He (and Mattie) spent the whole hour working end-range ROM today, which brought me to tears because it was so, so painful. I almost threw up at one point. I can't believe this is "inflammation."

Training was tough this afternoon - I've never felt so rough. Sleep is worse than ever (like, lucky to get a broken 3-4 hours). I have no appetite. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm frustrated and anxious, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm aware of how depressing this sounds.  

Squats felt heavy, but better than last week.

For time piece was tough. Couldn't pick up the pace on the bike at all (57 RPMs on the first mile, 59 RPMs on the second mile). Broke the FW 100/50/50, and chose moderate instead of tough. Lunges were hard, you'd think that I'd start to get used to these by now, but my legs were toast.

Aaaaaand... just washed down some vicodin with 2 glasses of wine. I'm getting desperate.

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit
30:00 Assault bike
+
dry needling of death
+
3 sets:
isometric subscap hold, 10 x 0:30
earthquake bar

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-5-5 (no extra reps) @ 145-155-165; 3:00 rest
B1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 5 weighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 10 weighted; :10 rest
B3. Sorensen hold, 3 x :30; 2:00 rest
+
3 sets:
:40 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort that's sustainable within & across all 3 sets... goal is very little, if any, drop-off
4:50 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, fast and easy 

B. +25, +30, +30

+

complete


Deload week on the squats is silly. Super easy.

Low back continues to get blown up on this combo. +30 is probably a 5RM glute-ham raise... 

Dropped off a lot on the 3rd set - held 76-78 RPMs on the first two, fell to 70 in the last 0:10 of the 3rd one. Sorry... 

Shoulder is being a complete dick. I'm in a ridiculous amount of pain (like, 8/10, takes your breath away with any sudden movement), and Drew told me today that there's really nothing he can do for me, and he doesn't see a scenario in which I don't need additional surgery. MRI on Thursday, appointment with Tim on Monday. I'm kind of hoping for surgery as soon as possible, because it's seriously terrible. Other than the first couple of days post-op, this is by far the most pain I've had, and it's getting worse day by day. Drew also said that rehab the second time around is going to be very different, like in the sling for the full 4 weeks. Balls.

Friday

A. Safety bar squat, 6 x 3 @ 70 bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 rounds for time:
.5 mile Assault Bike
50m unweighted walking lunges
+
3 sets:
8/side seated 1-leg band curls, 30X1
:10/side single-leg hamstring bridge
:30 hollow rock

A. complete

+

8:57

+

complete, green band

Felt super rough today - it's been a ridiculous week. Almost subbed a nap.

Squats felt heavy and slow.

Bike/lunge piece was tough. 62/58/60 RPMs, which seems quite slow compared to where I've been pedaling. Legs were super shaky after this.

Shoulder is not good. Ugh. Added 2 sets of standing subscap internal rotation holds and CS internal/external rotations to my warm-up.

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit

15:00 Assault bike

+

dry needling of death

+

4 sets:

earthquake bar

5 x 0:30 isometric internal rotation hold, hand pressing into anterior hip and elbow as forward as possible

internal rotation with purple Crossover symmetry band

walking backwards with green Crossover symmetry band in isometric internal rotation position from above

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-3-1+ @ 180-205-225; 3:00 rest
B1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 6 weighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 9 weighted; :10 rest
B3. Death march, 3 x 12 steps heavier than last week; 2:00 rest
+
3 sets:
:35 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort that's sustainable within & across all 3 sets... goal is very little, if any, drop-off
4:25 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 6 @ 225

B1/B2/B3. +10, +20, +20, subbed 0:30 Sorenson hold for the death march

+

complete, 79-80 RPMs, still faded just a little on the last one (77 in the last 0:05)

Squats felt super heavy today - it was a long weekend, and I'm feeling it.

Low back got lit up on B, shocker. 

Shoulder behaved slightly better on the plane last night - no swelling like Friday - but woke up with it extremely uncomfortable today. Literally everything had seized up, and it was the worst dry needling session, by far. Drew hit every single muscle, anterior and posterior, and every single spot he hit was awful. I think he felt bad because of how terrible it was. 

Got the debrief on his conversation with Tim last week. I had a complex labral tear from the 3:00 to 8:00 position, and he used two anchors, one at 5:00 and one at 7:00, to re-attach. Tim didn't see anything in the anterior capsule, ligament or otherwise, when he was in there. They came up with a plan to hammer internal rotation strength over the next 2 weeks and see if that makes a difference, while cutting pretty much everything else, and if there's not significant improvement at the 12 week mark, Tim will order an MRI. 

Drew thinks that the apprehension/relocation test that Tim did in the office 2 weeks ago was the straw that broke the camel's back, and because of the increased pain since then, it's likely that something's torn. It's completely unknown at this point if it's a new problem, one that was missed in the scope, or a failure of the repair. Drew was adamant that it really wasn't Tim's fault though - it was a test that he has to do as a surgical follow-up, with a "1 in 900 chance of causing damage." I should go to Vegas.

Drew advised cutting the deadlifts and Farmer's walks, at least for the next 2 weeks, just to remove as many variables as possible... 

Thursday

AM @ MobilityFit

9:00 Assault bike

+

same as Monday, except trap 3s were fine and Z press hurt (front rack)

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 12 x 2 @ 70 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 sets:
50m Farmer's walk, tough
20m walking lunges, 30 lb med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
200m run
:60 rest
+
3 sets:
10/side seated 1-leg band curls, 30X2
:30 hollow rock

A. complete, fast and easy
+
complete-ish
53/hand (heaviest I felt confident picking up today)
subbed 20 bike calories for the run (65 RPM, 1:20 across)
+
complete with purple band


Drew finally acknowledged that some of my concerns about my shoulder may be valid. In addition to the ongoing instability, I should be way farther along than I am, and the simplest shit keeps setting me back.  It was super aggravated today, for literally no reason... Drew talked to Tim, and we're going to baby the shit out of it for another couple weeks. If things aren't drastically better at the 12 week mark, Tim wants an MRI. I really never had an "oh fuck, I re-tore it" moment, and even though it has felt like it wants to dislocate on a couple of occasions, it hasn't... but I just know something isn't right. 

Drew also said to hold off on the running.  To be honest, with the way my shoulder felt today, I was kind of relieved to hear that. The impact sounds terrible.

Monday

AM @ Mobility Fit

10:00 Assault bike

+

3 sets:

Kettlebell screwdrivers 

Quarter external rotations 

External rotations with elbow on knee

Snow angels 

Crossover symmetry rows, As, both Ts

Earthquake bar 

Tricep extension 

Kettlebell front rack/farmer hold 

Z press 

PVC pull aparts

3 way bicep curls 

Trap 3 (cut after 1.5 sets)

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 3-3-3+ @ 190-205-215; 3:00 rest
B1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 6 unweighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 9 unweighted; :10 rest
B3. Death march, 3 x 12 steps; 2:00 rest
+
4 sets:
:30 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
4:00 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 8 @ 215

B1/B2/B3. complete, 25, 35, 40/hand 

+

complete


Slept (er, "slept") wrong on my shoulder last night - I heard it pop - and it has been bugging me all day. Drew isn't worried, he just said some days are going to be better than others. I'm super annoyed because it had been feeling REALLY good for the past few days, definitely the most consecutive good days to date. Dammit.  

Squats felt pretty good. Speed felt a tad slower than it has been on these.

Really liked the B combo!  Not really all that challenging, but kind of fun. 

Sprints dropped off within and across sets again. Hit 85 RPMs on the first 3, only hit 83 RPMs on the last one. Faded to 80, 78, 75, 75 respectively. Felt great until the 4th one.

-----

And now, for the "Dear Diary" portion of my blog:

I'm having a rough time. I think I'm actually clinically depressed.

Over the past 5 years, so much of my identity has gotten wrapped up in this silly sport. I know I'm really not very good at it, but it's been super fun just to see how good I could get.  Making training a priority made me a better person.  Not only am I fitter and healthier than I was 5 years ago, but I'm more confident, I manage my time better, I've ditched some really destructive habits and picked up some good ones, and I've made some wonderful friends. Also, I have a competitive personality, and I needed an outlet for that.

I'm starting to realize I had a pretty significant injury, so significant that I may not compete again. And I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rehabbing this as if I'm coming back better than ever.  Many people do (Conner, Duprie, George and Byrd, just at CSC alone). But, I'm 30 years old, I'm self-admittedly not all that good at this, and I would really, really not be interested in another shoulder surgery. At what point do you just cut your losses, and squat?

I enjoy training, I don't even really care what I'm doing specifically, as long as it's something. I love being in the gym with my friends. I like pushing myself and getting better, even if it's as lame as holding an arbitrary pace on the bike. It's really the lifestyle stuff that gets me. I made training a lifestyle, and it was easy to say no to certain things because I prioritized training, because I had a goal to become as good as I possibly could. I know there's nothing preventing taking my safety bar squats just as seriously as Fran, but it's not the same. And when allowing yourself to have two beers when out with friends turns into picking up margaritas at Mazunte on the way home multiple times per week, it's a pretty big red flag that we're going in the wrong direction.

Here's the thing. I need a goal. I've been blatantly ignoring my macros and eating out 3-4 times per week, and making ridiculously poor choices at that. I've drank more alcohol in the past 3 months than I have in the past 4 years. This is not an exaggeration. I should be throwing myself into my work with all my free time, but I find myself hiding in unoccupied offices for hours at a time and crying. At least I'm not drinking on my lunch break. Yet. I've been there before, and it wasn't good. 

The combination of stress, work stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of the unknown is literally wrecking me. Oh, then add in the shoulder pain and not having slept for 3 months. I know there's nothing to do right this second that will improve any of those things, except perhaps a drink.

I talked about all this with Mike today (yes, I cried. Poor guy. This was not in his job description.). He suggested using this time as an opportunity to get comfortable with moderation, and with being easier on myself than I have been regarding training, nutrition, etc. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and I don't do moderation very well at all. I don't know how to be healthy and balanced without being all-in. And what am I all-in for? What's the point? I still don't want to get fat. I realize I've said that many times, and my actions are not reflecting that statement. I realize that what I'm doing is destructive, but it's like I'm watching from the outside and I can't stop.

I debated deleting this. I probably should have. I didn't write this for anyone but myself (I express myself so much better in writing), and I want to hold myself accountable and acknowledge that my recent behavior is not going to fly for the long term. Earlier, I said to Mike that I just don't care, and he's like, "no, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have told me." So I'm putting it out there. I do care. I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. 

Friday

AM
@ MobilityFit
2 sets:

Crossover symmetry

Kettlebell screwdrivers, 15lbs

Quarter external rotations, 2.5lbs

External rotations, unweighted

Z press, PVC pipe

Kettlebell front rack hold with scaps engaged, 0:60 with 0:30 Farmer's hold as rest

PVC pull-aparts

Snow angels

3-way bicep curls, 5lb/hand

Earthquake bar, 20 with red, 20 with orange

Single-arm trap 3

Banded tricep extension 

PM
A. Safety bar squat, 10 x 2 @ 70 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 sets:
10 DB bent-over rows (both arms together), light & controlled, slight bend in knees and big hinge @ hips so torso is almost parallel to the ground
30m walking lunges, 20 lb med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
20 Assault Bike calories
:60 rest
+
3 sets not for time:
10-15 seated 1-leg band curls
:30 hollow rock

A. complete 

+

complete, but skipped the dumbbell rows 

+

complete, 15 with purple band across

Chains were longer than usual on the squats; didn't notice until 8 sets in... 

Cut the dumbbell rows on Drew's advice. Lunges got tough by the 3rd set, but no issues. Biked at 66-68 RPMs, 1:15, 1:14, 1:19 for 20 calories. The last set hurt, I felt like I was going to poop my pants for like 10 minutes afterwards. Is that why we call it the AssBike?

Had a pretty significant heart-to-heart with Drew this morning - it involved tears and two hugs. Got his side of the story regarding Abby, and am feeling a little bit reassured that I'm not already destined for the same path as her. He's really not all that concerned, but said it's not a bad thing that I am concerned, because that means I'll be careful. Errrr no worries there, I'm so careful I'm about ready to put the sling back on.

Highlights of the heart-to-heart:

 - Both my shoulders are loose, probably always have been, and so I'm already at an increased risk of injury compared to the general population (so was Abby). This means that moving forward, my shoulders have to be stronger than anyone else's before asking them to stabilize weight overhead, and that form and technique need to be absolutely perfect. I will need to be very, very careful with mechanics under fatigue, probably forever.

 - We are going to baby the shit out of it for a while. Staying far away from positions that aggravate it (overhead), and positions that put any stretch on the anterior capsule (elbows back), which will hopefully allow the ligaments to tighten up a bit. I'm still terrified that I fucked it up by all the things I've been doing (I was rowing, with elbows all the way back, at 10 days post-op... I've benched and done push-ups... and not to mention, the stretching we've added in the past few weeks). None of this hurt, but it was stretching the already stretched ligaments. All of this has been cut, and Drew said I'll drive myself nuts trying to figure out if anything I'd done previously was a mistake. 

 - On that note, what was repaired is holding. I've been almost completely pain-free for the past two days, which Drew said would not be the case if I fucked up the repair.

I still don't feel like it's fixed. I still don't feel like it should be close to dislocating on a simple office exam. But, I feel better that there's a plan in place moving forward. 

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit

10:00 Assault bike

+
dry needling
+
3 sets:
Front rack kettlebell hold with scaps retracted, 3 x 0:60 with 12/hand, 0:30 engaged Farmer's hold as rest
Banded external rotation with single orange band, 10
Banded shoulder press with orange band, 10
Banded tricep pull-down, 20 with cut red band
Earthquake bar, 2:00 hold with red bands and 20s, orange bands and 15s
Crossover Symmetry, rows (red), As (purple), Ts (thumbs up and palms up, green), single-side seated external rotation (green), 10 each
Z press, 10 with PVC pipe
Kettlebell screwdrivers, 10/side with 15lb
Quarter external rotations, 5/side with 2.5lbs
External rotation with elbow on knee, 10/side unweighted

Snow angel, 10 unweighted
Single-arm trap 3, 10/side unweighted
PVC pull-aparts, 10 with #1
3-way bicep curl, 10 each way with 5lb/hand

+

10:00 Assault bike

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-5-5+ @ 180-190-205; 3:00 rest
B. Glute-ham raises, 5 x 4-6 weighted; :90 rest
+
5 sets:
:25 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
3:35 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 9 @ 205

B. +10(5), +10(6), +20(4) x3

+

complete


I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Saw Tim for my 8 week follow-up today, and he was a little surprised, but not all that concerned, that my shoulder has been aggravated and rehab has been 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  (Although, it feels like 1 step forward and 2 steps back right now, but that's beside the point.) He then said "well, jump up here, let's take a look" and proceeded to do this test: (skip to 2:30). I about jumped off the table. This is the exact test that Tim did when he completely popped it out of the socket at my first appointment, and I was damn sure it was going to pop out again today. He did it like 3 times and it got worse and worse. If he exerted even the tiniest more pressure, or moved his hand off the anterior side, it would have popped out. It hurt like a fucking bitch. Tim said "huh, well we call that apprehension, which means that the joint is still unstable. The labrum repair is holding, because it didn't pop out of place, but the ligaments are still stretched out from the initial injury and that's why it feels unstable." 

Slow your roll.  Wasn't the surgery supposed to fix the instability?

So then, Tim said that I will just have to be very careful with loading the shoulder in certain positions, because right now it IS at an increased risk of re-dislocation. I asked if I fucked it up by moving really quickly in the first couple of weeks with Drew, and he said no, that this was from the original injury. I said that I couldn't imagine finding out in September or October, when I'm finally cleared for everything, that it's going to dislocate. Tim said what he said before, that just because he's repaired this tear, it doesn't mean it won't happen again. But is it even fixed? It certainly didn't feel like it. He doesn't want to see me until June (16 weeks out!), and said that Drew continues to be in charge, so he didn't seem to be all that concerned. But I think I'm having a worse panic attack than the first one when we scheduled surgery.

Stephen calmly said that if Tim was concerned, he wouldn't let me go another 8 weeks. I guess that makes sense, but I just feel this pit of dread in my stomach that I'm going to have to go through this again.

Meanwhile, this morning, Drew and I chatted for a long while about next steps and what to expect - we're definitely going to move slower with adding things in to avoid any more flare-ups and set-backs. Basically, I'm limited because of where the tears were - both anterior-inferior and posterior-inferior, which means that all kinds of things are going to be aggravating (that normally wouldn't bother a SLAP repair), and this is new territory for Drew, too. I'm fine with it taking a long time, especially in light of the appointment with Tim. At this point, I doubt it will ever be 100%, and that's terrifying.

Hoping to get a response from Drew soon, because I'm completely freaking out, if you haven't noticed.

I'll pause the panic attack to report on training:

Squats felt excellent. I think I channeled all my fear into my legs. 

GH raises were REALLY tough today - I used a different GHD than the last couple of weeks, I think the pad placement was different.

Sprints dropped off both within and across sets. Super grateful to only have 5 this week.

Ok.  I'm going to go continue panicking now.