AM @ Mobility Fit
10:00 Assault bike
+
3 sets:
Kettlebell screwdrivers
Quarter external rotations
External rotations with elbow on knee
Snow angels
Crossover symmetry rows, As, both Ts
Earthquake bar
Tricep extension
Kettlebell front rack/farmer hold
Z press
PVC pull aparts
3 way bicep curls
Trap 3 (cut after 1.5 sets)
PM
A. Safety bar squat, 3-3-3+ @ 190-205-215; 3:00 restB1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 6 unweighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 9 unweighted; :10 rest
B3. Death march, 3 x 12 steps; 2:00 rest
+
4 sets:
:30 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
4:00 Assault Bike spin
A. complete, 8 @ 215
B1/B2/B3. complete, 25, 35, 40/hand
+
complete
Slept (er, "slept") wrong on my shoulder last night - I heard it pop - and it has been bugging me all day. Drew isn't worried, he just said some days are going to be better than others. I'm super annoyed because it had been feeling REALLY good for the past few days, definitely the most consecutive good days to date. Dammit.
Squats felt pretty good. Speed felt a tad slower than it has been on these.
Really liked the B combo! Not really all that challenging, but kind of fun.
Sprints dropped off within and across sets again. Hit 85 RPMs on the first 3, only hit 83 RPMs on the last one. Faded to 80, 78, 75, 75 respectively. Felt great until the 4th one.
-----
And now, for the "Dear Diary" portion of my blog:
I'm having a rough time. I think I'm actually clinically depressed.
Over the past 5 years, so much of my identity has gotten wrapped up in this silly sport. I know I'm really not very good at it, but it's been super fun just to see how good I could get. Making training a priority made me a better person. Not only am I fitter and healthier than I was 5 years ago, but I'm more confident, I manage my time better, I've ditched some really destructive habits and picked up some good ones, and I've made some wonderful friends. Also, I have a competitive personality, and I needed an outlet for that.
I'm starting to realize I had a pretty significant injury, so significant that I may not compete again. And I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm rehabbing this as if I'm coming back better than ever. Many people do (Conner, Duprie, George and Byrd, just at CSC alone). But, I'm 30 years old, I'm self-admittedly not all that good at this, and I would really, really not be interested in another shoulder surgery. At what point do you just cut your losses, and squat?
I enjoy training, I don't even really care what I'm doing specifically, as long as it's something. I love being in the gym with my friends. I like pushing myself and getting better, even if it's as lame as holding an arbitrary pace on the bike. It's really the lifestyle stuff that gets me. I made training a lifestyle, and it was easy to say no to certain things because I prioritized training, because I had a goal to become as good as I possibly could. I know there's nothing preventing taking my safety bar squats just as seriously as Fran, but it's not the same. And when allowing yourself to have two beers when out with friends turns into picking up margaritas at Mazunte on the way home multiple times per week, it's a pretty big red flag that we're going in the wrong direction.
Here's the thing. I need a goal. I've been blatantly ignoring my macros and eating out 3-4 times per week, and making ridiculously poor choices at that. I've drank more alcohol in the past 3 months than I have in the past 4 years. This is not an exaggeration. I should be throwing myself into my work with all my free time, but I find myself hiding in unoccupied offices for hours at a time and crying. At least I'm not drinking on my lunch break. Yet. I've been there before, and it wasn't good.
The combination of stress, work stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of the unknown is literally wrecking me. Oh, then add in the shoulder pain and not having slept for 3 months. I know there's nothing to do right this second that will improve any of those things, except perhaps a drink.
I talked about all this with Mike today (yes, I cried. Poor guy. This was not in his job description.). He suggested using this time as an opportunity to get comfortable with moderation, and with being easier on myself than I have been regarding training, nutrition, etc. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and I don't do moderation very well at all. I don't know how to be healthy and balanced without being all-in. And what am I all-in for? What's the point? I still don't want to get fat. I realize I've said that many times, and my actions are not reflecting that statement. I realize that what I'm doing is destructive, but it's like I'm watching from the outside and I can't stop.
I debated deleting this. I probably should have. I didn't write this for anyone but myself (I express myself so much better in writing), and I want to hold myself accountable and acknowledge that my recent behavior is not going to fly for the long term. Earlier, I said to Mike that I just don't care, and he's like, "no, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have told me." So I'm putting it out there. I do care. I just don't know how to pull myself out of it.
Slept (er, "slept") wrong on my shoulder last night - I heard it pop - and it has been bugging me all day. Drew isn't worried, he just said some days are going to be better than others. I'm super annoyed because it had been feeling REALLY good for the past few days, definitely the most consecutive good days to date. Dammit.
Squats felt pretty good. Speed felt a tad slower than it has been on these.
Really liked the B combo! Not really all that challenging, but kind of fun.
Sprints dropped off within and across sets again. Hit 85 RPMs on the first 3, only hit 83 RPMs on the last one. Faded to 80, 78, 75, 75 respectively. Felt great until the 4th one.
-----
And now, for the "Dear Diary" portion of my blog:
I'm having a rough time. I think I'm actually clinically depressed.
Over the past 5 years, so much of my identity has gotten wrapped up in this silly sport. I know I'm really not very good at it, but it's been super fun just to see how good I could get. Making training a priority made me a better person. Not only am I fitter and healthier than I was 5 years ago, but I'm more confident, I manage my time better, I've ditched some really destructive habits and picked up some good ones, and I've made some wonderful friends. Also, I have a competitive personality, and I needed an outlet for that.
I'm starting to realize I had a pretty significant injury, so significant that I may not compete again. And I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm rehabbing this as if I'm coming back better than ever. Many people do (Conner, Duprie, George and Byrd, just at CSC alone). But, I'm 30 years old, I'm self-admittedly not all that good at this, and I would really, really not be interested in another shoulder surgery. At what point do you just cut your losses, and squat?
I enjoy training, I don't even really care what I'm doing specifically, as long as it's something. I love being in the gym with my friends. I like pushing myself and getting better, even if it's as lame as holding an arbitrary pace on the bike. It's really the lifestyle stuff that gets me. I made training a lifestyle, and it was easy to say no to certain things because I prioritized training, because I had a goal to become as good as I possibly could. I know there's nothing preventing taking my safety bar squats just as seriously as Fran, but it's not the same. And when allowing yourself to have two beers when out with friends turns into picking up margaritas at Mazunte on the way home multiple times per week, it's a pretty big red flag that we're going in the wrong direction.
Here's the thing. I need a goal. I've been blatantly ignoring my macros and eating out 3-4 times per week, and making ridiculously poor choices at that. I've drank more alcohol in the past 3 months than I have in the past 4 years. This is not an exaggeration. I should be throwing myself into my work with all my free time, but I find myself hiding in unoccupied offices for hours at a time and crying. At least I'm not drinking on my lunch break. Yet. I've been there before, and it wasn't good.
The combination of stress, work stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of the unknown is literally wrecking me. Oh, then add in the shoulder pain and not having slept for 3 months. I know there's nothing to do right this second that will improve any of those things, except perhaps a drink.
I talked about all this with Mike today (yes, I cried. Poor guy. This was not in his job description.). He suggested using this time as an opportunity to get comfortable with moderation, and with being easier on myself than I have been regarding training, nutrition, etc. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and I don't do moderation very well at all. I don't know how to be healthy and balanced without being all-in. And what am I all-in for? What's the point? I still don't want to get fat. I realize I've said that many times, and my actions are not reflecting that statement. I realize that what I'm doing is destructive, but it's like I'm watching from the outside and I can't stop.
I debated deleting this. I probably should have. I didn't write this for anyone but myself (I express myself so much better in writing), and I want to hold myself accountable and acknowledge that my recent behavior is not going to fly for the long term. Earlier, I said to Mike that I just don't care, and he's like, "no, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have told me." So I'm putting it out there. I do care. I just don't know how to pull myself out of it.
