Thursday

AM

20:00 Airdyne

PM
pity party

Saw Tim today. Left his office frustrated and in tears. Until today, I felt like I was handing this whole shitty situation much better than I did the first time around. I just kind of accepted that it sucks but it is what it is, and I felt relieved and a little vindicated that the amount of pain I was in had a repairable cause and I could finally start to put this whole thing behind me. 

Today, Tim said the goal was to regain normal everyday function of my right arm.

Tim said that I had blown up my shoulder and it was one of the more extensive shoulder reconstructions he's done. I said that's exactly what it felt like. He asked what my ROM was like, and I said "nonexistent." He had me take off the sling and try a few things. I have severely limited flexion and abduction (like, shockingly limited). He said "come on, you can go higher" but I really couldn't - it was stiff but not that painful, just literally wouldn't move. He tried to externally rotate my arm with my elbow at my side and I have ZERO external rotation, which he said he expected based on the repair. Then he took my elbow in his hand and put me in a position of abduction and forced external rotation and I immediately jumped and said my shoulder was going to dislocate - just like last time he did this test.  And also it was super fucking painful, like to the point of tears. Tim said "you're going to have to get over that feeling of apprehension that it's going to dislocate, it's sewn up so tight that it's mechanically impossible to dislocate." It freaked me out. You'll understand that I'm a little gun shy about this. I love Tim, but he kind of blew me off twice when I said it felt like it was going to dislocate after the first surgery. Look where we ended up. Tim said he knows I'm paranoid and scared but I just have to trust him that he fixed literally everything, inside the joint and outside the capsule, and it's not going anywhere. 

I can start weaning out of the sling in protected environments but continue to use it if it helps with discomfort. I'm hoping that by the end of next week after 3 sessions with Drew I'll feel more comfortable without it. I asked if I can start doing a little more exercise than easy pedaling, and he cautioned me to be very smart about it and to clear everything with Drew first. I'm hoping that Drew won't have a problem with sled drags and unweighted lunges and air squats, and maybe a weighted belt squat, at the very least. There's no way I'm getting anywhere near a weighted safety bar while it still hurts this much just sitting here on the couch, but I have to get back to some sort of training schedule. Tim said we've given it enough time to start healing that I'm not going to damage the repair, but definitely not to push through the pain. PT is going to be awful, because it's going to be several weeks of Drew forcing ROM and breaking up scar tissue on freshly cut and repaired tissue before I get frozen shoulder. Awesome. 

Tim said it will take a long time for it to stop hurting, it will still be a while before I can sleep comfortably in bed (still in the fucking recliner) and it will be 6 months before I can put any significant stress on my shoulder. He asked if I had any questions. My biggest question is whether my shoulder will ever be 100%, but I haven't asked that question because I don't want to hear the answer. So I said "no, not really, I'm just trying to accept that it's going to be a long process. It's okay though." And he said "no, it's not okay. It blows." And that's why I love him. 

Spent the afternoon eating a giant plate of Chelsea's birthday treats and drinking a whole bottle of wine. This is my only pity party, but by god is it a pity party.