Saturday

AM

20:00 AirDyne

PM

A. Safety bar good morning, build to a heavy double
+
Not for time:
1200m light sled drag, same as last week
+
10:00 Assault Bike easy

A. +130, but felt shallow 

+

complete with 80 on the sled from waist 

+

complete


Legs are toast. 

Friday

A. Safety bar squat, 6 x 3 @ 70 bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 rounds for time:
.5 mile Assault Bike
50m unweighted walking lunges
+
3 sets:
8/side seated 1-leg band curls, 30X1
:10/side single-leg hamstring bridge
:30 hollow rock

A. complete

+

8:57

+

complete, green band

Felt super rough today - it's been a ridiculous week. Almost subbed a nap.

Squats felt heavy and slow.

Bike/lunge piece was tough. 62/58/60 RPMs, which seems quite slow compared to where I've been pedaling. Legs were super shaky after this.

Shoulder is not good. Ugh. Added 2 sets of standing subscap internal rotation holds and CS internal/external rotations to my warm-up.

Thursday

Off

Work retreat at Hueston Woods. Always guaranteed to be a shit show...

Sidenote: my dress pants, which I haven't worn since last May, definitely don't fit. Unfortunately, I learned this at 5am with no back up plan. Pants are the worst, but I'm not sad about this.

Wednesday

AM @ MobilityFit

20:00 Assault bike 

+

3 sets:

10 x 0:30 seated internal rotation hold

10 very slow pull-up negatives, legs assisting a lot

3 x 0:30 standing internal rotation hold

Crossover symmetry, walking for subscap, walking for pec, internal rotation 

Earthquake bar 

Floor press, unweighted and with pads to raise the bottom position 

PM

A. Safety bar alternating forward lunges, 3 x 12-16 total; 2:00 rest
B. Weighted hip extensions, 3 x 6, 20X1; :90 rest
C1. Glute-ham sit-ups, 3 x 12; :10 rest
C2. Sit-ups w/feet anchored, 3 x 24; 2:00 rest
+
25:00 Assault Bike @ 90% aerobic - I want to grow this out time-wise for a bit, but that will require a slower pace... think 5 rpm slower than last week

A. +100, +110(12), +110(12)

B. 40, 50, 50

C1/C2. complete

+

201 calories, 51-52 RPMs throughout (same as last week)


Shoulder is really, really aggravated. Aggravated isn't even the right word, it's really painful. It was okay this morning before PT, not great, but getting the muscles to calm down from Monday's dry needling helped a lot. Nothing in particular really felt terrible at PT, but this afternoon at work, it turned awful. I'm getting a sharp, stabbing pain inside/through the joint with pretty much any internal or external rotation, which doesn't subside quickly, and it's only gotten worse throughout the day. I used to only get this pain at end range flexion or end range external rotation, but my ROM right now is significantly less than it was a few weeks ago, and apparently internal rotation is aggravating now, too. It's not muscular, it definitely feels inside the joint. It feels like there's a piece of broken glass stuck in there. I haven't been in this much pain in weeks. I emailed Drew to give him a heads up, but I don't see him again until Monday. I'm not even that anxious about it, I've kind of already accepted the fact that somehow it's very fucked up. But how?!

I like reverse lunges a lot better than forward lunges. I feel like I lose my balance a lot easier with forward.

Figured out a better way to grip a dumbbell for the weighted hip extensions, but I don't know if I can go much heavier because I'm having to support the entire weight with my left hand, and only keep my right hand there for stability.

Sit-up combo was good; had to pause on the last set of 24.

Kept the same pace on the Assault bike as last week - I assumed the pace note was just copy/pasted from the previous week...

Tuesday - 10 weeks post-op

AM
20:00 AirDyne

PM
20:00 Assault bike
+
mobility
+
3 sets:
3 x 0:30 isometric internal rotation hold against rig
3 x 0:30 isometric internal rotation hold, hands pressing into anterior hip
Crossover Symmetry internal rotation, 10/side with purple band

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit

15:00 Assault bike

+

dry needling of death

+

4 sets:

earthquake bar

5 x 0:30 isometric internal rotation hold, hand pressing into anterior hip and elbow as forward as possible

internal rotation with purple Crossover symmetry band

walking backwards with green Crossover symmetry band in isometric internal rotation position from above

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-3-1+ @ 180-205-225; 3:00 rest
B1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 6 weighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 9 weighted; :10 rest
B3. Death march, 3 x 12 steps heavier than last week; 2:00 rest
+
3 sets:
:35 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort that's sustainable within & across all 3 sets... goal is very little, if any, drop-off
4:25 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 6 @ 225

B1/B2/B3. +10, +20, +20, subbed 0:30 Sorenson hold for the death march

+

complete, 79-80 RPMs, still faded just a little on the last one (77 in the last 0:05)

Squats felt super heavy today - it was a long weekend, and I'm feeling it.

Low back got lit up on B, shocker. 

Shoulder behaved slightly better on the plane last night - no swelling like Friday - but woke up with it extremely uncomfortable today. Literally everything had seized up, and it was the worst dry needling session, by far. Drew hit every single muscle, anterior and posterior, and every single spot he hit was awful. I think he felt bad because of how terrible it was. 

Got the debrief on his conversation with Tim last week. I had a complex labral tear from the 3:00 to 8:00 position, and he used two anchors, one at 5:00 and one at 7:00, to re-attach. Tim didn't see anything in the anterior capsule, ligament or otherwise, when he was in there. They came up with a plan to hammer internal rotation strength over the next 2 weeks and see if that makes a difference, while cutting pretty much everything else, and if there's not significant improvement at the 12 week mark, Tim will order an MRI. 

Drew thinks that the apprehension/relocation test that Tim did in the office 2 weeks ago was the straw that broke the camel's back, and because of the increased pain since then, it's likely that something's torn. It's completely unknown at this point if it's a new problem, one that was missed in the scope, or a failure of the repair. Drew was adamant that it really wasn't Tim's fault though - it was a test that he has to do as a surgical follow-up, with a "1 in 900 chance of causing damage." I should go to Vegas.

Drew advised cutting the deadlifts and Farmer's walks, at least for the next 2 weeks, just to remove as many variables as possible... 

Sunday

Off 

Spent several hours wandering around Boston. Super cool city. 

Didn't realize how much I needed to get out of town for a few days. This was the best weekend I've had in a really long time. 

Saturday

Hike with Mom at Pawtuckaway State Park, a little over an hour 

Would have loved to hike longer, but Kellie sat this one out due to a lingering sprained ankle, and we felt guilty leaving her behind. 

Also: walked around Durham, watched the UNH vs BU women's soccer game, and explored Portland, ME. New England is pretty cool.

Friday

Off 

Toured UNH with Mom and Kellie, had lunch with the coaches, watched a team practice, walked around Portsmouth, and ate the most delicious pizza. 

Side note: shoulder is being a total dick, it's more aggravated today than it has been in weeks. What the actual fuck. I woke up with it pretty okay, so I don't think it's from exercise yesterday. Could it be cabin pressure on the plane? I almost had a panic attack because I had a window seat and couldn't get comfortable. My fingers and hand got super swollen, which hasn't resolved yet, and it's freaking me out...

Thursday

AM @ MobilityFit

9:00 Assault bike

+

same as Monday, except trap 3s were fine and Z press hurt (front rack)

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 12 x 2 @ 70 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 sets:
50m Farmer's walk, tough
20m walking lunges, 30 lb med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
200m run
:60 rest
+
3 sets:
10/side seated 1-leg band curls, 30X2
:30 hollow rock

A. complete, fast and easy
+
complete-ish
53/hand (heaviest I felt confident picking up today)
subbed 20 bike calories for the run (65 RPM, 1:20 across)
+
complete with purple band


Drew finally acknowledged that some of my concerns about my shoulder may be valid. In addition to the ongoing instability, I should be way farther along than I am, and the simplest shit keeps setting me back.  It was super aggravated today, for literally no reason... Drew talked to Tim, and we're going to baby the shit out of it for another couple weeks. If things aren't drastically better at the 12 week mark, Tim wants an MRI. I really never had an "oh fuck, I re-tore it" moment, and even though it has felt like it wants to dislocate on a couple of occasions, it hasn't... but I just know something isn't right. 

Drew also said to hold off on the running.  To be honest, with the way my shoulder felt today, I was kind of relieved to hear that. The impact sounds terrible.

Wednesday

AM

20:00 AirDyne @ Z1

PM

A. Halting clean-grip deadlift clusters (pause for :02 just below patella on way up and down), 3 x 1.1.1.1.1; :10 between singles, 2:00 rest
B. Safety bar alternating forward lunges, 2 x 16-20 total; 2:00 rest
C. Weighted hip extensions, 3 x 7-10, 20X1; :90 rest
D1. Glute-ham sit-ups, 3 x 10; :10 rest
D2. Sit-ups w/feet anchored, 3 x 20; :90 rest
+
20:00 Assault Bike @ 90% aerobic - I want to grow this out time-wise for a bit, but that will require a slower pace... think 5 rpm slower than last week

A. 173, 193, 208

B. +70, +90

C. 35(10) across 

D1/D2. complete 

+

complete, 161 calories, 51-52 RPMs throughout

Thumbs/grip limiting factor on the deadlifts... just out of practice. 

Lunges felt good.

Intended to use a 30lb dumbbell on the hip extensions, but I couldn't get the dumbbell off the floor and into my arms (learned this the hard way, ugh). Bumped up to a 35lb kettlebell, which I had an easier time grabbing for some reason.

Sit-up combo was good, but couldn't finish the last 20 without pausing. 

Assault bike was totally sustainable at this pace. 

 

Tuesday - 9 weeks post-op

Off 

Monday

AM @ Mobility Fit

10:00 Assault bike

+

3 sets:

Kettlebell screwdrivers 

Quarter external rotations 

External rotations with elbow on knee

Snow angels 

Crossover symmetry rows, As, both Ts

Earthquake bar 

Tricep extension 

Kettlebell front rack/farmer hold 

Z press 

PVC pull aparts

3 way bicep curls 

Trap 3 (cut after 1.5 sets)

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 3-3-3+ @ 190-205-215; 3:00 rest
B1. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 6 unweighted; :10 rest
B2. Hip extensions, 3 x 9 unweighted; :10 rest
B3. Death march, 3 x 12 steps; 2:00 rest
+
4 sets:
:30 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
4:00 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 8 @ 215

B1/B2/B3. complete, 25, 35, 40/hand 

+

complete


Slept (er, "slept") wrong on my shoulder last night - I heard it pop - and it has been bugging me all day. Drew isn't worried, he just said some days are going to be better than others. I'm super annoyed because it had been feeling REALLY good for the past few days, definitely the most consecutive good days to date. Dammit.  

Squats felt pretty good. Speed felt a tad slower than it has been on these.

Really liked the B combo!  Not really all that challenging, but kind of fun. 

Sprints dropped off within and across sets again. Hit 85 RPMs on the first 3, only hit 83 RPMs on the last one. Faded to 80, 78, 75, 75 respectively. Felt great until the 4th one.

-----

And now, for the "Dear Diary" portion of my blog:

I'm having a rough time. I think I'm actually clinically depressed.

Over the past 5 years, so much of my identity has gotten wrapped up in this silly sport. I know I'm really not very good at it, but it's been super fun just to see how good I could get.  Making training a priority made me a better person.  Not only am I fitter and healthier than I was 5 years ago, but I'm more confident, I manage my time better, I've ditched some really destructive habits and picked up some good ones, and I've made some wonderful friends. Also, I have a competitive personality, and I needed an outlet for that.

I'm starting to realize I had a pretty significant injury, so significant that I may not compete again. And I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rehabbing this as if I'm coming back better than ever.  Many people do (Conner, Duprie, George and Byrd, just at CSC alone). But, I'm 30 years old, I'm self-admittedly not all that good at this, and I would really, really not be interested in another shoulder surgery. At what point do you just cut your losses, and squat?

I enjoy training, I don't even really care what I'm doing specifically, as long as it's something. I love being in the gym with my friends. I like pushing myself and getting better, even if it's as lame as holding an arbitrary pace on the bike. It's really the lifestyle stuff that gets me. I made training a lifestyle, and it was easy to say no to certain things because I prioritized training, because I had a goal to become as good as I possibly could. I know there's nothing preventing taking my safety bar squats just as seriously as Fran, but it's not the same. And when allowing yourself to have two beers when out with friends turns into picking up margaritas at Mazunte on the way home multiple times per week, it's a pretty big red flag that we're going in the wrong direction.

Here's the thing. I need a goal. I've been blatantly ignoring my macros and eating out 3-4 times per week, and making ridiculously poor choices at that. I've drank more alcohol in the past 3 months than I have in the past 4 years. This is not an exaggeration. I should be throwing myself into my work with all my free time, but I find myself hiding in unoccupied offices for hours at a time and crying. At least I'm not drinking on my lunch break. Yet. I've been there before, and it wasn't good. 

The combination of stress, work stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of the unknown is literally wrecking me. Oh, then add in the shoulder pain and not having slept for 3 months. I know there's nothing to do right this second that will improve any of those things, except perhaps a drink.

I talked about all this with Mike today (yes, I cried. Poor guy. This was not in his job description.). He suggested using this time as an opportunity to get comfortable with moderation, and with being easier on myself than I have been regarding training, nutrition, etc. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and I don't do moderation very well at all. I don't know how to be healthy and balanced without being all-in. And what am I all-in for? What's the point? I still don't want to get fat. I realize I've said that many times, and my actions are not reflecting that statement. I realize that what I'm doing is destructive, but it's like I'm watching from the outside and I can't stop.

I debated deleting this. I probably should have. I didn't write this for anyone but myself (I express myself so much better in writing), and I want to hold myself accountable and acknowledge that my recent behavior is not going to fly for the long term. Earlier, I said to Mike that I just don't care, and he's like, "no, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have told me." So I'm putting it out there. I do care. I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. 

Sunday

AM
20:00 AirDyne @ Z1

PM

90:00 hike @ Cincinnati Nature Center (Edge to Whitetail to Redwing to Geology to Upland) 

Saturday

AM

20:00 AirDyne @ Z1

PM

A. Safety bar good morning, build to a heavy triple
B. 1-arm Farmer's walk, 3 x 40-60m/side moderate w/perfect posture/scap engagement; start w/R and match load/distance w/L; :30 between sides
+
Not for time:
800m light sled drag, 10 less than last week
+
10:00 Assault Bike easy

A. +130, but felt shallow 

B. 40, 45, 50 

+

complete with 80 on the sled, from waist 

+

complete 

Friday

AM
@ MobilityFit
2 sets:

Crossover symmetry

Kettlebell screwdrivers, 15lbs

Quarter external rotations, 2.5lbs

External rotations, unweighted

Z press, PVC pipe

Kettlebell front rack hold with scaps engaged, 0:60 with 0:30 Farmer's hold as rest

PVC pull-aparts

Snow angels

3-way bicep curls, 5lb/hand

Earthquake bar, 20 with red, 20 with orange

Single-arm trap 3

Banded tricep extension 

PM
A. Safety bar squat, 10 x 2 @ 70 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
3 sets:
10 DB bent-over rows (both arms together), light & controlled, slight bend in knees and big hinge @ hips so torso is almost parallel to the ground
30m walking lunges, 20 lb med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
20 Assault Bike calories
:60 rest
+
3 sets not for time:
10-15 seated 1-leg band curls
:30 hollow rock

A. complete 

+

complete, but skipped the dumbbell rows 

+

complete, 15 with purple band across

Chains were longer than usual on the squats; didn't notice until 8 sets in... 

Cut the dumbbell rows on Drew's advice. Lunges got tough by the 3rd set, but no issues. Biked at 66-68 RPMs, 1:15, 1:14, 1:19 for 20 calories. The last set hurt, I felt like I was going to poop my pants for like 10 minutes afterwards. Is that why we call it the AssBike?

Had a pretty significant heart-to-heart with Drew this morning - it involved tears and two hugs. Got his side of the story regarding Abby, and am feeling a little bit reassured that I'm not already destined for the same path as her. He's really not all that concerned, but said it's not a bad thing that I am concerned, because that means I'll be careful. Errrr no worries there, I'm so careful I'm about ready to put the sling back on.

Highlights of the heart-to-heart:

 - Both my shoulders are loose, probably always have been, and so I'm already at an increased risk of injury compared to the general population (so was Abby). This means that moving forward, my shoulders have to be stronger than anyone else's before asking them to stabilize weight overhead, and that form and technique need to be absolutely perfect. I will need to be very, very careful with mechanics under fatigue, probably forever.

 - We are going to baby the shit out of it for a while. Staying far away from positions that aggravate it (overhead), and positions that put any stretch on the anterior capsule (elbows back), which will hopefully allow the ligaments to tighten up a bit. I'm still terrified that I fucked it up by all the things I've been doing (I was rowing, with elbows all the way back, at 10 days post-op... I've benched and done push-ups... and not to mention, the stretching we've added in the past few weeks). None of this hurt, but it was stretching the already stretched ligaments. All of this has been cut, and Drew said I'll drive myself nuts trying to figure out if anything I'd done previously was a mistake. 

 - On that note, what was repaired is holding. I've been almost completely pain-free for the past two days, which Drew said would not be the case if I fucked up the repair.

I still don't feel like it's fixed. I still don't feel like it should be close to dislocating on a simple office exam. But, I feel better that there's a plan in place moving forward. 

Thursday

28:00 post-work hike @ Mt. Airy Forest

1) The full night's sleep was too good to be true. Dammit.

2) I want to make it a habit to hike after work, at least during the summer, on my off days.

3) I talked to Abby McConnell today.

I wanted to text Abby a couple of weeks ago, when my shoulder was super aggravated, to ask if she had a similar experience or a similar setback. But then, I heard that her shoulder was bothering her again, and she was going in for another MRI, and I chickened out. I didn't want to think about her having a bad outcome. She texted me out of the blue today, asking how I was doing, and then told me she's going back under the knife on Wednesday because she retore her labrum on the inferior side, which had supposedly been repaired (but the SLAP repair was holding just fine), and had partially re-dislocated it twice after surgery.

My repairs were both inferior. I haven't re-dislocated it, but it was so fucking close on Monday, under a doctor's supervision, on a test where it SHOULD NOT DISLOCATE.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I still haven't talked to Drew (I see him tomorrow morning). I just have a sinking feeling that we pushed it too hard early on, and even though we've backed off now, it's too late, and I missed the chance for the repair to really heal. I also wonder if Drew's protocol and his success stories are all for SLAP repairs, and it's not optimized for dislocation-type injuries, or inferior labral repairs. I respect Drew a lot; I think he's fantastic and I don't want to step on any toes, because this is all paranoia and anxiety-fueled speculation, and way outside my field. But, it seems like something to consider.

I can't do this again. It really, REALLY sucked. A lot. And also, my boss has been absolutely fantastic through this whole thing, but his patience has worn thin. We discussed today about how I need to be even more productive in the coming months to make up for lost time. I can't take another 8 weeks off of work if I need surgery again.

I can't wait until June to talk to Tim. I've pretty much decided that I'm texting him tomorrow, after I talk to Drew. The anxiety is eating me alive. It doesn't need to be a whole texting conversation, I'm happy to make an appointment. But I'm freaking out.

I've been mulling over what it would be like if this is just, it. Maybe I'm done. I made a comment a few months ago that I couldn't see myself quitting being competitive unless I had a catastrophic injury. Drew (and Tim) got my hopes up that I'd make a full recovery, even if it took a while. But now, I'm wondering if this is my catastrophic injury, and this is it. Have I done my last muscle-up?

Wednesday

AM

30:00 AirDyne @ Z1, off every 10:00 for 10 snow angels + 0:60 FLR

PM

A. Halting clean-grip deadlift clusters (pause for :02 just below patella on way up and down), 5 x 1.1; :10 between singles, 2:00 rest
B. Safety bar alternating reverse lunges, 4 x 6-8 total; 2:00 rest
C. Weighted hip extensions, 3 x 10-12, 20X1; :90 rest
D1. Glute-ham sit-ups, 3 x 9; :10 rest
D2. Sit-ups w/feet anchored, 3 x 15; :90 rest
+
15:00 Assault Bike @ 90% aerobic - goal is same pace as last week for an extra 2:00...

A. 163, 183, 203, 213, 223

B. +120, +130, +140(6), +140(6)

C. 20(12) across 

D1/D2. complete 

+

150 calories, 55-56 RPMs throughout 


YOU GUYS. This morning, I woke up so confused... it was morning! And I felt refreshed! This was the first time I've slept well / through the night since January.  JANUARY. Pleeeeeeeease let it stick... 

Between the sleeping and the AM sesh, it almost felt like old times.

Deadlifts are still heavier than they should be, but positions feel solid.

Lunges felt great this week. I feel like lunging with 200lbs is pretty legit. Wore knee sleeves, just for padding.

Hip extensions blew up my low back again.

Sit-up combo was fun, although I may have taken slightly longer than 0:10 to transition off the GHD and to the dumbbells. Reached back with one arm only on the GHD sit-ups, totally fine otherwise.

Super happy to hang on to the pace on the bike. I thought it was way too ambitious when I saw it programmed, but I surprised myself. Not easy, but not lactic.

Tuesday - 8 weeks post-op

10:00 Assault bike

+

3 sets, 10 each: 

Kettlebell screwdrivers 

External rotations, unweighted 

Single-arm trap 3

+

10:00 Assault bike 

+

mobility 

+

20:00 Assault bike 

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit

10:00 Assault bike

+
dry needling
+
3 sets:
Front rack kettlebell hold with scaps retracted, 3 x 0:60 with 12/hand, 0:30 engaged Farmer's hold as rest
Banded external rotation with single orange band, 10
Banded shoulder press with orange band, 10
Banded tricep pull-down, 20 with cut red band
Earthquake bar, 2:00 hold with red bands and 20s, orange bands and 15s
Crossover Symmetry, rows (red), As (purple), Ts (thumbs up and palms up, green), single-side seated external rotation (green), 10 each
Z press, 10 with PVC pipe
Kettlebell screwdrivers, 10/side with 15lb
Quarter external rotations, 5/side with 2.5lbs
External rotation with elbow on knee, 10/side unweighted

Snow angel, 10 unweighted
Single-arm trap 3, 10/side unweighted
PVC pull-aparts, 10 with #1
3-way bicep curl, 10 each way with 5lb/hand

+

10:00 Assault bike

PM

A. Safety bar squat, 5-5-5+ @ 180-190-205; 3:00 rest
B. Glute-ham raises, 5 x 4-6 weighted; :90 rest
+
5 sets:
:25 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
3:35 Assault Bike spin

A. complete, 9 @ 205

B. +10(5), +10(6), +20(4) x3

+

complete


I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Saw Tim for my 8 week follow-up today, and he was a little surprised, but not all that concerned, that my shoulder has been aggravated and rehab has been 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  (Although, it feels like 1 step forward and 2 steps back right now, but that's beside the point.) He then said "well, jump up here, let's take a look" and proceeded to do this test: (skip to 2:30). I about jumped off the table. This is the exact test that Tim did when he completely popped it out of the socket at my first appointment, and I was damn sure it was going to pop out again today. He did it like 3 times and it got worse and worse. If he exerted even the tiniest more pressure, or moved his hand off the anterior side, it would have popped out. It hurt like a fucking bitch. Tim said "huh, well we call that apprehension, which means that the joint is still unstable. The labrum repair is holding, because it didn't pop out of place, but the ligaments are still stretched out from the initial injury and that's why it feels unstable." 

Slow your roll.  Wasn't the surgery supposed to fix the instability?

So then, Tim said that I will just have to be very careful with loading the shoulder in certain positions, because right now it IS at an increased risk of re-dislocation. I asked if I fucked it up by moving really quickly in the first couple of weeks with Drew, and he said no, that this was from the original injury. I said that I couldn't imagine finding out in September or October, when I'm finally cleared for everything, that it's going to dislocate. Tim said what he said before, that just because he's repaired this tear, it doesn't mean it won't happen again. But is it even fixed? It certainly didn't feel like it. He doesn't want to see me until June (16 weeks out!), and said that Drew continues to be in charge, so he didn't seem to be all that concerned. But I think I'm having a worse panic attack than the first one when we scheduled surgery.

Stephen calmly said that if Tim was concerned, he wouldn't let me go another 8 weeks. I guess that makes sense, but I just feel this pit of dread in my stomach that I'm going to have to go through this again.

Meanwhile, this morning, Drew and I chatted for a long while about next steps and what to expect - we're definitely going to move slower with adding things in to avoid any more flare-ups and set-backs. Basically, I'm limited because of where the tears were - both anterior-inferior and posterior-inferior, which means that all kinds of things are going to be aggravating (that normally wouldn't bother a SLAP repair), and this is new territory for Drew, too. I'm fine with it taking a long time, especially in light of the appointment with Tim. At this point, I doubt it will ever be 100%, and that's terrifying.

Hoping to get a response from Drew soon, because I'm completely freaking out, if you haven't noticed.

I'll pause the panic attack to report on training:

Squats felt excellent. I think I channeled all my fear into my legs. 

GH raises were REALLY tough today - I used a different GHD than the last couple of weeks, I think the pad placement was different.

Sprints dropped off both within and across sets. Super grateful to only have 5 this week.

Ok.  I'm going to go continue panicking now.

Sunday

Mobility

+

2 sets, 10 each:

Kettlebell screwdrivers 

External rotations, elbow on knee, unweighted 

Crossover symmetry rows (red), As (purple) 

Snow angels, unweighted 

Single-arm trap 3s, unweighted 

+

70:00 hike @ Cincinnati Nature Center (Fernwood to Wildflower to handicap trail to Upland)

Saturday

A. Safety bar good morning, 4 x 4-5, 31X1; 2:30 rest
B. 1-arm Farmer's walk, 3 x 60-80m/side light w/perfect posture/scap engagement; start w/R and match load/distance w/L; :30 between sides
+
Not for time:
400m light sled drag, add 10 from last week
+
10:00 Assault Bike easy

A. +90, +100, +110(4), +110(4)

B. 30 across, 3x down the rig and back (80m)

+

complete with 90, from waist (not light)

+

20:00 complete 

Good mornings are getting heavy...

Weight on the Farmer's walk was fine on my shoulder, fine on keeping perfect posture, but grip started to get blown up (on both sides). 

Sled felt SO HEAVY. Jeez.

Included in warm-up:

2 sets, 10 each:

kettlebell screwdrivers

external rotations, elbow on knee, unweighted 
standing snow angels

Friday

AM @ MobilityFit
10:00 Assault bike
+
3 sets:
Front rack kettlebell hold with scaps retracted, 5 x 0:60 with 12/hand, 0:30 rest
Banded external rotation with single orange band, 10
Banded shoulder press with orange band, 10
Banded tricep pull-down, 20 with cut red band
Earthquake bar, 2:00 hold with red bands and 20s, orange bands and 15s
Crossover Symmetry, rows (red), As (purple), Ts (thumbs up and palms up, green), single-side seated external rotation (green), 10 each
Z press, 10 with PVC pipe
Kettlebell screwdrivers, 10/side with 15lb
Quarter external rotations, 5/side with 2.5lbs
External rotation with elbow on knee, 10/side unweighted

Snow angel, 10 unweighted
Single-arm trap 3, 10/side unweighted
PVC pull-aparts, 10 with #1
3-way bicep curl, 10 each way with 5lb/hand


PM
A. Safety squat, 8 x 2 @ 70 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
5 sets:
7-10 controlled ring rows - slightly tougher than last week if shoulder allows
16 alternating reverse lunges, 30 med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
15 Assault Bike calories
:60 rest
+
3 sets not for time:
5-7/side single-leg reverse hypers, 20X2
10-20 seated 1-leg band curls
:30 hollow rock

A. complete
+
complete
7 ring rows across
15 calories in 0:51-0:54
+
complete
unweighted, +10, +20 on the RH
15/leg with purple band


Drew was really happy to hear that after the week off (two, really), my shoulder has markedly calmed down. It's still a little more aggravated than it was two weeks ago, but not nearly as concerning as it was last week. Stayed extremely cautious on the rehab stuff this morning - reduced weight on everything, cut anything that even slightly felt off, and shorted ROM to completely, 100% pain free across the board. I'm still annoyed that I'm doing less 7 weeks out than I was 2 weeks out, but Drew assures me it's normal. Had a conversation about expectations and the road ahead, and we discussed that it might be months before I'm comfortable overhead (deadhang, kipping, snatching, jerking, etc). I can get close without pain, but as soon as I reach 180 degrees, I hit the anchors, and that's probably what caused the latest setback, so we're staying far away from that at the moment.

Squats felt great, really fast. Metcons, no gear.

5 sets got tough, mostly because of the pace I wanted to hold on the bike (66-70 RPMs). Ring rows felt totally fine on my shoulder, still very deliberate about scap engagement and definitely more challenging than last time. 

Wouldn't hate losing the reverse hyper from the program... it's so freaking awkward to get on to without boosting myself up with both arms, and I feel like I'm not even doing it right with the one leg. I know it's supposed to be good for many things, but I'm just not feeling it. On the other hand, once I figured out how to set up the banded curls, I really liked those!

And finally, did a BodPod this morning. Mike keeps asking me about body comp, and I can't tell objectively and I refuse to take a bathroom selfie. I'm a scientist and I like data, so I figured this might be interesting. I did one in December 2013 (I had played with ETP for a few months, and was on Invictus at the time), but I didn't like the result so I just ignored it and decided to focus on performance. Which was a great decision! But didn't get me very far on the scale. I weighed 167 in December 2013, and weighed 167 in May 2015, and while performance was greatly improved, I wanted to drop weight to improve gymnastics (we know this story). Mike wasn't very impressed with these results if you consider it's been 2.5 years, but I figure almost all of this change has occurred since I started working with Mike in July 2015. I was actually pretty pumped to see that those 7 pounds were 11lbs of fat lost and 4lbs of muscle gained, that seems pretty legit to me, especially with maintaining / increasing / prioritizing performance. And it's not like I'm surprised that progress is slow, I mean, come on, I've complained about how perfectly compliant I can be with minimal results since day 1. Although, I wish I had done this before I ate all the gelato and drank all the margaritas last week, because I was pretty solid at 158 for a minute there...

Thursday

AM

20:00 AirDyne @ Z1

Wednesday

A. Halting clean-grip deadlift clusters (pause for :02 just below patella on way up and down), 3 x 1.1.1; :10 between singles, 2:00 rest
B. Safety bar alternating reverse lunges, 3 x 8-10 total; 2:00 rest
C. Weighted hip extensions, 3 x 15, 20X1; :90 rest
+
8 sets for reps:
:20 sit-ups
:10 rest
+
12:00 Assault Bike @ 90% aerobic - goal is same pace as last week for an extra 2:00...

A. 143, 163, 183

B. +100, +110, +120(8)

C. 15lbs across 

+

110, anchored with abmat

+

119 calories, steady 55-56 RPMs throughout 


Deadlifts continue to feel shockingly heavy.  The first time I picked up 163, I was like, "there's no way I'll ever clean this again." I really hope that's not true, but that's how heavy it felt. Shoulder was fine, I just feel weak.

Lunges felt okay, wore knee sleeves (for the first time on these).

Low back got lit up by the end of the hip extensions; I'm glad I didn't go up in weight.

Sit-ups were a steady 15/round through 75, then dropped off. Started using my arms to get momentum by the end, which didn't feel great on my shoulder, so i sacrificed a couple of reps to go back to controlled ab movement without throwing my arms. 

Assault bike was challenging in a good way.  This felt exactly the same as row repeats, when you're trying to stay on a certain pace on the dot.  It was never so tough that I needed to slow down, but I definitely had to pay attention the whole time. High breathing, no burn. 

Skyped with Mike today.  We're not changing the macros (145P/80F/200C) for the time being.  I confessed that last week had more days off plan than on plan, and I'm starting to feel like I'm losing all the progress that I made over the last 9 months. Last week was hard, I was so uncomfortable (and stressed and depressed) that I self-medicated with ice cream and margaritas on multiple occasions. I'm still having a hard time caring... this was fun when I was doing it for performance, and it's lame to be on a diet. I still don't want to get fat though, so I should probably get it together.  

Also, Mike was surprised that I haven't been doing AM Z1 sessions. Honestly, I mostly just got lazy. And I STILL haven't slept through the night (...kill me), so I really don't feel like setting an alarm and sleeping any less than I already am. I suppose I can add it back in on days when I'm not in a hurry... like tomorrow, perhaps...

Tuesday - 7 weeks post-op

OFF

Wanted to hike after work, but ended up staying late.

Shoulder feels better than it has in over 2 weeks.  Trying not to be annoyed that I was doing better 10 days post-op than I am 7 weeks post-op. And trying really hard not to piss it off again.

Monday

AM @ MobilityFit
10:00 Assault bike
+
3 sets:
kettlebell screwdrivers, 10/side with 15lb
beginning of TGU, 5/side unweighted
external rotations with elbow on knee, 10/side unweighted
plank, 0:60 hold
+
dry needling (death)
+
20:00 gentle stretching:
tricep/levator scap/scalene
anterior delt
behind the back (butt) internal rotation with a band
sink stretch
+
10:00 Assault bike

PM
A. Safety bar squat, 5-5-5 (no additional reps this week) @ 140-150-160; 2:30 rest
B. Glute-ham raises, 3 x 4-8 weighted; :90 rest
+
6 sets:
:20 Assault Bike @ highest possible effort - can use left arm
3:00 Assault Bike spin

A. complete

B. +10, +15, +25(5)

+

complete 

Pretty much got lectured by Drew for Friday's work day... he's like, "Well I could have told you what the outcome would be, it wouldn't be good." Basically set me back another whole week - nothing but gentle stretching until I see him on Friday, continue the high dose Tylenol and ibuprofen, and I'm not medically cleared for bench work in the lab. Even though it feels like my shoulder has calmed down a lot over the past couple of days, today's dry needling was wholly miserable. He's not concerned (because every time I piss off my shoulder it DOES calm down, even if it takes a few days), and says this has happened to a few people, where they're feeling good and try to take on more than they're really ready for. But, he made me feel dumb for even attempting to go back to work... 

Stuff at CSC was good. I know the squats are on deload, but these were stupid easy. 

Assault bike sprints get me every time. 86 RPMs on the first one only, 83-84 for the rest. 

Sunday

75:00 hike @ Cincinnati Nature Center with Chels (Wildflower + Far Ridge trails)

By far, my favorite place I've hiked in Cincinnati to date. Well-maintained trails, clear signs, and so many flowers! I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time here this summer... 

Shoulder calmed down a LOT.  Still noticeable, but much, much better. Moral of the story: going to work is the worst, don't do it. I have experiments planned for Monday and Tuesday, but I'm gonna try to outsource them...

Saturday

Made up yesterday's squats:

A. Safety squat, 12 x 2 @ 50 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
A. Safety bar good morning, 4 x 5-8, 31X1; 2:30 rest
B. 1-arm Farmer's walk, 2 x 80-100m/side light w/perfect posture/scap engagement; start w/R and match load/distance w/L; :30 between sides
+
Not for time:
400m light sled drag, add 10 from last week
+
10:00 Assault Bike easy

A. complete

+

A. +70, +80, +90(5), +90(5)

B. 30, 40

+

complete with 80 on the sled, from waist

+

complete

Yikes. Shoulder is very sore. It feels like I've been kicked right in the joint, super deep and achy. It's distracting. I'm holding out hope that I've just been asking a lot of it this week, and that if I take it easy today and tomorrow, it will make a dramatic improvement. Fingers crossed.

Wanted to make up at least the squats from yesterday. Fast and easy. 

Depth felt a little shallow on the heavier good mornings.

Farmer's walk was fine. Really concentrated on perfect scaps. 

Sled felt way lighter than last week - because I took yesterday off?

Friday

A. Safety squat, 12 x 2 @ 50 on bar + chains, 10X1; begin a set every :60
+
5 sets:
7-10 controlled ring rows - slightly tougher than last week if shoulder allows
16 alternating reverse lunges, 30 med ball bear hugged to chest
:60 rest
15 Assault Bike calories
:60 rest
+
3 sets not for time:
5-10/side single-leg reverse hypers, 20X2
:30/side hamstring bridge
:30 hollow rock

DNS

Woke up with my shoulder feeling better than it did yesterday, but had my first long, 10+ hour experiment day back at work today and it was way, way too much.  Fuck.  I planned it last week (you have to book time on equipment in advance) when I was feeling really good, and it turned out to be a terrible idea today. Insert all the sad emojis.